Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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