i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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