If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
