I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize