didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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