my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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