how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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