I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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