I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
