So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize