she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
