So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
