Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
