peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
