I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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