So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize