my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
