He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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