I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
