It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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