Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
