So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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