I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
