i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
