Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
