my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
