Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
