I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
