Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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