I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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