I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
