I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
