Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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