I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
