I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
