Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
