you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
