that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
