You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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