I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
