he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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