I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
