I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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