Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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