he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize