I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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