Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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