I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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