girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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