i need an iv and a liver transplant
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
