Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
