now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
