Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
