Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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