I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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