Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
