MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
