Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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